u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
