You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
NoShamevember. You game?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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