cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
