She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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