I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
