Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
