Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
not ubering you a puppy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
