i'm signing you up for texting rehab
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh god it's open bar.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
