I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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