Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
