you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
