i permit you to call me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
