3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
