Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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