I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
