oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
how does that bad decision feel?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
