Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
