so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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