You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
