i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
