I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
