when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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