My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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