normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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