I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
