I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
