the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
