so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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