you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
