If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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