You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
