census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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