By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
