I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
