I just pynch a tree in the face
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
