Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it's like iHOP with fire
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
