Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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