WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
