My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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