he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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