i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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