I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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