Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
