I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
