I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
