I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
sarcasm needs its own font
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
