talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
