I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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