One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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