Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
