I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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