and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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