take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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