He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
