i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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